Here is how I thought labor/delivery was going to go: I would have contractions and they would hurt, they would be consistent and fairly far apart. Gradually, they would get closer together and the pain level would increase. (This gradual increase in pain would help me build up a tolerance for what was to come.) And about the time it felt unbearable, I would be ready to push. I did not anticipate feeling any sort of pressure- just a lot of pain. Like horrid cramps. I was so wrong. I was trying to prepare myself for something that you can't prepare yourself for. I had no idea what I was truly in for. My contractions hit hard and fast- I had no time to get accustomed to them like I had originally thought. I was WAY off.
Wednesday, July 17 (1 day after our due date):
I went to the doctor in the morning, and showed no signs of labor. I asked my doctor to strip my membranes because I had heard from a friend that that worked for her with her first pregnancy. It was uncomfortable, and hurt a bit but I was willing to do anything to get our baby out at that point. My doctor and I also discussed what would happen if Luca decided he wasn't ready to come out. My doctor said that I would probably be induced the following Friday, July 26 if Luca didn't come before then. When he said that, I instantly started to cry. First of all, I really didn't want to be induced. But also, being pregnant and having a baby away from my family and CT friends was really hard. We so badly wanted to share our journey with them, but since we are so far away it wasn't easy. The planner in me was thinking about travel plans for family and friends who were coming to see Luca after he was born. My dad had booked his trip (which, let me tell you, is so hard to do when you have no idea when the baby is going to come) and was going to be here from July 20- July 28. So if I were induced, my dad would barely get to see his grandson. And my mom would be leaving shortly after my dad, so she would barely get to see her grandson and barely get to help us with our new baby (and maintaining our home/making meals/all the things you don't even realize you need help with). So hearing the induction date made me really upset. Not because I was uncomfortable and wanted the baby out already, but because my family wasn't going to be able to share in it like I had hoped. I was really, really grumpy for the rest of the day and pretty emotional. I wasn't too happy with God, wondering why He couldn't help us out and move things along considering all that I have just mentioned. So I had a little talk with Him and let Him know I wasn't happy. (Am I a bit of a control freak? I think so.) He must seriously shake His head at me, pretty frequently, when I worry/freak out about things way before I even need to. Considering I went into labor less than 24 hours after that doctor's appointment and I had nothing to worry about (well, except for the whole having a baby part). I am thankful for His unconditional love, especially in moments like these. He is good and His plans are far greater than ones I can try and create. I just need to relax, and trust. Clearly.
Wednesday evening my mom, Lee, and I went to the mall because my mom was going to buy Lee some new shoes for his birthday. As we were walking around the mall I started having some pretty painful contractions. I didn't say anything because I wanted to keep walking and was hoping that that would make things move along faster. Plus also, I really wanted Lee to get the shoes he needed (he really needed them). As soon as we found a pair and bought them, the contractions were pretty consistent and pretty uncomfortable, so I let them know we needed to leave. I went to bed really early, thinking that we were going to wake up in the night and I would be in labor.
Thursday, July 18:
But, I woke up Thursday morning and felt great. I wasn't in any pain whatsoever. Nothing makes a 40 week pregnant lady more upset than waking up feeling nothing but great (at least for me anyway). I was pretty disappointed and was again, slightly grumpy. I felt like I was teased a little with the contractions the night before. We had a relaxing morning, I posted a blog, my mom did some work, and we planned to go walk the mall (which is literally right across the street from us) that afternoon. I wanted to stay as active as possible to try and get our baby out- and the mall is air conditioned and a good place to do that. Before we left for the mall, something happened (it's a bit of TMI so I won't mention what exactly happened) but it was a sign that labor could be coming. Not that day, in fact it could still be days, but it was a sign that things were moving along so I took it as a good thing. As we were walking the mall, I started having some pretty painful contractions again. However, I didn't say anything because I also had those same contractions the night before and nothing happened. After a couple of hours, we went home and I started having this really sharp pain/pressure as I was bouncing on my yoga ball (along with the contractions). I called the doctor's office at around 5:30/6 pm, but since it was after hours I spoke with the nurses answering service. I explained what was happening and she told me to lay down and count how many contractions I was having and how far apart they were. As soon as I laid down, the contractions faded away. So I thought it was just another false alarm. At around 8 pm, they came back and they were really intense. I went in to lay on my bed and count/calculate and they didn't go away. In fact, they got even more and more intense. I felt so much pressure, I was sure that I was ready to push him out. We called the nurses number again, explained the progress and they told me to go to the hospital. At that point, my contractions were around 5 minutes apart and lasted around 45 seconds.
Driving to the hospital, I honestly thought I wasn't going to make it. I thought we would have to pull over and I would have sweet little Luca on the side of 277. Luckily, we finally made it around 9:40 pm and we were brought to triage. I was examined and told I was only 2 cm dilated. YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME. 2 centimeters??? That's it?? At that point all I kept thinking was, "how on earth am I going to make it to 10 cm? I am pretty sure I am dying now!" My original goal was to not get an epidural, I really felt strongly about doing it without any drugs at all. So when I heard I was 2 cm, I wondered how I was going to make it without any medication. Since I wasn't really dilated they wanted me to walk around and they were going to recheck me around midnight.
Friday, July 19:
I walked the halls for about 30 minutes with my mom and Lee. The contractions were so intense and getting much closer together. After getting sick in the middle of the hallway (I was not expecting to feel nauseous), I decided to go back and lay down. At 12:30 am, when my doctor came in and checked me I was 3.5 cm dilated, I can't remember how effaced- maybe 90%? So they admitted me and moved me from triage into my delivery room. Before doing so, my doctor asked what I was thinking about medication. At that point, I admitted defeat. I wasn't going to be able to endure the pain without medication and I knew it. I told her I wanted the epidural. Before they moved me, they asked if I wanted to be pushed in the bed to my room. I told them that I was ok to walk it. They all looked at me like I had 5 heads and said, "are you sure? we can just move the bed you are currently in." I am not sure why I was trying to be wonder woman, I guess I just didn't want to inconvenience anyone and thought I could make the walk. I am glad I didn't attempt it and let them push me. :)
Once I got in my room, the contractions had become SO painful I thought I might die. I know that sounds dramatic, but not knowing what to expect and not knowing just how much more painful they were going to get- I was scared because at that point they were so bad and had been really bad for a few hours. My body also started to shake- uncontrollably. Lee kept asking if I was cold, which I clearly wasn't. I hadn't been cold in 10 months! I wasn't expecting the shakes, but it makes sense. My body was preparing/probably wondering what was going on.
By the time I got the epidural, it was around 1 am and I was 5 cm dilated. The anesthesiologist was wonderful- not just because he made the pain stop but because he was so kind and explained everything to me as he did it. I was afraid while he was injecting me that I was going to move because at that point the contractions were so bad, my body was shaking, and I was dry heaving pretty badly. Thankfully, I didn't move and just squeezed Lee's hand as if there was no tomorrow. The other thing I was doing while he was injecting me was praying that all the horror stories I have heard about the epidural wouldn't happen to me, and that me and Luca would be safe. As soon as he injected the medicine, I didn't feel another contraction. My body instantly felt calm. While I didn't want the epidural at all, I can see now that I needed it. I needed to let my body rest and regain some strength before having to push.
When we first got to the delivery room, my nurse seemed a bit grumpy and didn't speak to me much. She was very direct and only spoke when she needed to inform us of something. As soon as I had the epidural, the nurse came in and said, "so now that you have your medicine I can talk to you now?" She knew before- not to talk to me unless absolutely necessary because if she had tried to ask me a bunch of questions, I may have punched her in the face. Clearly she had been doing this for a while and knew what I needed. She was a terrific nurse and I am so thankful we had her with us throughout our journey. After we answered all her questions and she left us to rest (maybe around 2 am), she predicted that I would start pushing around 8 am.
At around 4/4:30 am I started to regain feeling in my right leg, so when our nurse came in to check on me I told her. She went to flip me over to my other side and noticed that my water had broke. She checked me and I was 9.5 cm dilated! She gave me the epidural pump so that I could up my dosage until I felt the medicine working like before. I don't think I pumped it, maybe I did once, because I wanted to be able to feel to push. I definitely regained feeling in my legs, but it wasn't 100% back by the time I did start pushing.
When the nurse told me how dilated I was, I got very nervous. The planner in me heard the 8 am prediction, so at 4 am when I was almost there- I wanted to say, "um, actually, you had said 8 am and I think that sounded nice. So I would like to wait until then please." I became very nervous not knowing what pushing was going to be like. I am pretty sure at this point I asked my mom to pray (I can't quite remember now) and from that point on, all I did was pray silently to myself. I knew that I needed His strength to get through what I was about to endure.
(side note: Sarah arrived around 4 am. She drove through the night from Nashville to be there when Luca was born. All 40 weeks of pregnancy she and I kept talking about it and hoping and praying she would make it in time/I went in to labor at a time where she could just leave Nashville and drive to Charlotte and not miss Luca's arrival. See how great God is? He even had it all worked out so that Sarah got there just in time.)
At 5:00 am I was 10 cm dilated, but Luca wasn't quite in position yet. They rechecked me at 5:30 am and Luca was ready! I started pushing at 5:45 am and Luca was born at 6:25 am.
Here's the thing about pushing- it was VERY frustrating waiting in between contractions to push. I felt ready and as I was pushing I just wanted to keep going and hurry the process up! I hated the waiting part- feeling pain and all that pressure and having to wait. UGH. I know it's better to do it slowly, but I was not a fan of that part.
I was very quiet while pushing, I barely spoke at all. I kept my eyes closed, tried to remain focused and I just kept repeating this prayer in my mind, "Lord, please help me do this, please give me strength" over and over and over again. I was also listening and analyzing what everyone was saying/not saying, what they were doing/not doing. I was trying to figure out how I was actually doing/the progress I was making so I was reading into everyone's encouraging words and their actions. At one point Lee said something that he meant to be encouraging but it made me feel like after all the effort I was exerting, I wasn't making any progress so I asked him, politely, not to say that again. My mom was wiping my face with a cold cloth and I know I swatted her hand away once (she told me afterwards it was actually twice). The cold cloth felt good since I was so hot, but at the same time having someone's hand in my face while I was trying to focus was too much at times. I don't remember Sarah saying much, I just remember her smiling and being happy to be there witnessing such a miracle. Lee, my mom, and Sarah were all great coaches and were very encouraging. I couldn't have picked anyone better to be by my side. They each had a great balance of being helpful and encouraging but not saying too much/getting on my nerves. I am very grateful for them and their support during such a difficult time.
At the very end (before my final 6 pushes), I started to meltdown. I announced tearfully that "I can't do this anymore, please just take him out." At that point the pain/pressure was so great that I honestly couldn't take it anymore. But, I obviously kept going.
Then, I pushed that final push and I saw my beautiful boy. The doctor lifted him up and I was overwhelmed with emotion. There aren't words to describe that moment, when you first lay eyes on your child. The sweet baby that you have been longing to meet for 40 weeks and 2 days, the baby that you talked to, dreamt of, sang to, prayed for- he was finally here. Every time I think back to that moment, I get choked up because the love you feel is so great. There aren't words great enough to convey just how much love and emotion you feel in that moment. My boy was here and he was absolutely perfect.
I have heard people say that once you see your baby, you forget about all of the pain. I disagree with that, because I certainly didn't forget the pain. But once you lay eyes on your child, all the pain that you just endured is totally and completely worth it.
In the end, our birth story makes my heart smile because through all the pain, sweat, and tears, I got the most beautiful gift from God. My sweet little miracle, my pride and joy, my son, Luca.
Before Luca arrived:
He's here!
Going home!
first, he is THE absolute sweetest.
ReplyDeletealso, i'm so glad you have this written down! i loved reading your thoughts and remembering it all. longest night of my life, but so incredibly totally worth it.
and i remember you asking for something and saying "please," and then clarifying that you weren't desperate, you "just wanted to use your manners." obviously with the help of the epidural... (:
love you!